Bad Things Happened by April Andrea

Author:April Andrea
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2019-04-05T15:28:37+00:00

Nikki’s Story

Chapter Three

History Repeating Itself

Even though I moved far away in miles from my past, there is no escaping a familiar well-practiced pattern. I am so conditioned to be controlled by any man that I fall right into marrying someone that will lock my poorly formed habits down even further. I attracted a man that mirrored my need for a controlling behavior. Because I had spent a few years away from home, I mentally refused to touch on any subject regarding my father’s past behavior in detail. My husband’s family did know of my father’s history, in bits and pieces, but they ultimately believed that both my mom and dad had abandoned me.

I couldn’t talk about it in an honest way; I was in denial myself. I would repeat my habitual cycle as an adult willingly handing myself over in a different form but equally as traumatic for me. Because as a child I was subjected to a father controlling me, I developed a belief I couldn’t survive out in the big open world without that comfort of control. Even though I acted like I knew what I was doing, I pretended to be confident in what I wanted, but I had no clue and I was scared shitless. It would be in my safety zone to allow my husband to direct how everything would be. It was a strong shade of a familiar pattern hidden in a different body at a different age. It would escalate to a much higher level, I wanted to be outgoing, but I became isolated and had very few friends. Little things like the fact I would not be listed on the deed to the house, it was only in his name.

He wanted me to behave like his friend’s wife. In all fairness, that was not an unreasonable request, only I had never learned how to cook, had no clue how to make breakfast, lunch, or dinner every day. I learned how to microwave any meal, including steak and I occasionally wouldn’t burn the pizza in the oven. I slowly evolved with his constant reminders, saying so and so’s wife could do this or that. He unknowingly triggered my fearful negative buttons just like my dad could do so easily. I would be told I was gaining weight, and that was really the only thing I could control in my life and I didn’t even weight 100 pounds with a five-foot eight-inch frame. It was never going to be a marriage that worked well. As long as I followed the rules of the house, everything was fine, as long as I didn’t mind not having privacy, my own voice or opinion of things it would work out. Not placing blame, just acknowledging we each had a past that brought us together in a very unhealthy way. But our blessing, that we had together, is what was the best thing in our lives, what tied us together, and what saved me in so many ways.

I

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.